I lost RM250.00 today...i kept it somewhere in my room and after the computer guy who fixes my computer came over, it suddenly went missing..
I had to pay the mechanic guy RM450.00 to fix Bacon up nicely and properly
I had to pay the same guy RM280.00 to fix up Lakshmi's alarm system
My bank account is down by RM1000.00 because of this multi effects pedal i bought for another bacon
It hurts oh my god it hurts but none of that multiplied by 10 comes even close to hurting me like how i'm hurting now. All the way from the time I was 15 i've made friends but when i was 17 i made a vow, nah..less dramatic please..i made a pact with myself because it felt right, my friends are my everything.
2000-2002
In school, i met people like Tze Xiong, Kee Chang, Hengki, Valen, Kim Seong, Fadzil, Ming Tat, Chin Cheng, Laney, Nisa, Ika, and Shabbi. We were close we did everything together. Then came d-day, we parted ways they left but after they left we didn't talk, we never even kept in touch. Be that as it may, when we had a reunion several years down the road it was exactly like old times, we were comfortable with the familiarity. it felt nice that we were friends who were that good. I moved on comfortably....
2003
I was in Taylor's SJ, I met so many people whom i love until today, we hung out, we cs'ed, we clubbed, we gambled, we drank we talked. I met Vinodh, Chuzuk, Nishant, Nishanth, Kane, Thambiya, Dushen, Suren, Charan, Vikki, Shih Yeen, Daphne, The twins, Justin, Jiqs, Alan, Subhs, Cheryl. These people made my days back in 2003 complete. Life was good, they were there for me, and vice versa as how a friendship always works...TWO WAY traffic, no one ever took anyone for granted and therefore there was never any conflict. By this time, I was under the impression that this was friendship perfect. Then came d-day, we parted ways, most of them went on, they graduated and went on to amazing things but several years down the road it was exactly like old times, we were comfortable with the familiarity. It felt nice that we were friends who were that good. I moved on comfortably....
2004
I was in Sunway College, I met so many people who became part of my life and will never be apart from it. We futsaled, we dota'ed, we hung out, we studied, we talked about the future, we teased our gay english lecturer, we talked about cars, we talked about how to survive with only RM4.00 in a day when we were all smokers, we went to Langkawi. Ching Siang, Kai Xiang, Kian Wee, Kian Hoong, Kiran, Zakiran, Zai, Imran, Navin and Chee Wan.
In Sunway College, I had forgotten what it was to be a friend. I thought I had already found all the friends I possibly needed. For that 1 and a half years, I distanced myself from everyone but those few managed to break through the thick exterior of denial i had formed outside myself. Until today we talk, it doesn't seem like anything big that we're keeping in touch although we're all literally in different continents. The reason why it isn't anything big is because we know that each friendship needs a battle and if anyone of us were to let it just collapse, it would have been pointless. We understood that but as always, d-day came and once again..we parted ways, most of them went on, they graduated and went on to amazing things but several years down the road it was exactly like old times, we were comfortable with the familiarity. It felt nice that we were friends who were that good. I moved on comfortably....
2005
I found myself alone and cold in a suburb of Australia, fresh faces of my dearest friends imprinted in the back of my head helping me get through all lonely moments, weak moments that i had there for a whole year. I was all alone there, but I persevered, again fate led to me an amazing group of people to whom I am grateful for for letting me enter their lives. I met Chet, Kizard, Arwin, Reza, David, IP, Sin Kee, Jacq, Adrian, Anthony, Sneha, Jessica, Warwick, Aldi(s), Fadzil, Param, Daphne Goh, Ji, Andre, and Charmaine. These people played such a huge role in helping me be independent and to grow as a man. They taught me how to be a friend when you know you are alone. I followed their example and I learnt to love like I never had before that. But of course, d-day came and once again..we parted ways, most of them went on, they graduated and went on to amazing things but several years down the road it was exactly like old times, we were comfortable with the familiarity. It felt nice that we were friends who were that good. I moved on comfortably....
2006
I enrolled myself in Taylor's College Petaling Jaya. I was doing Mass Comm, my final calling, somehow from the start, I knew that this was where I belonged, but my mum although they never really demanded that i do medicine, preferred that option so I obliged until now. In TCPJ, I have met the weirdest people, the most amazing people, the only kind of people who have been able to piss me off, the people whom i knew i could trust my life with, people whom i loved all in all. I met Dice, I met Nick, I met Kevin, I met Cheryl Loke, I met Cheryl Pinto, I met JoAnne Alicia Clark, I met Phoebe Chandrasekaran (my grandaughter..not wife), I met Sara Mak, I met Ash, I met Shaz, and I met Jill. These wonderful, beautiful people made my life sparkle. It radiated...my life radiated..i don't even know how to describe that feeling it made me want to smile...WHILE i was smiling. We had been on so many journeys, we had so many talks, we've gotten through so many problems, we've lost so many, we've gained back and we've lost again, we gone up and down and up again in this roller coaster of a life.
Let me revert back to the start of this post...i talked about spending money and how much it hurt....nothing hurts as much as the fact that these people, these beautiful people whom i love to bits have fallen apart. This has nothing to do with change, change is easy to deal with, things change you deal with it and accept the fact that life goes on. But this is different, the people whom I grew to love now don't like me. I can go two ways, not like them back or the other way which is what i've chosen, to continue loving them regardless of their feelings towards them. When I look at any of them, memories rush back to me..Let me bore you a little with what comes to mind here and the quotes that run it out...
Dice -
1) I'm bringing sexay baack..yeaa
2) "Prada, let me just give myself another try, let me prove to myself that I can do it..."
Nick -
1) Dude! where your cowboy hat, come we jam in the hall, holy fuck tenacious D is good!
2) "I won't be going anywhere, don't worry."
Kevin -
1) "They don't know what we've been through la Prada..."
2) "You know me la dude...when you call me a $#@ it's ok but when they do, i get pissed off"
Lokey -
1) "I love you... why no one says it back to me wan?!" (carpark in 1u after movie carnival)
2) "I would fall off a chair again just to hear their laughter"
Pinto -
1) "I love you guys la, of course I want you to be there"
2) "How do you know Cream is fat now??!" (Syed)
Jo -
1) She jumped on the bed i was sleeping on in Malacca waking me up and said "Eh, now that you're awake, come we talk kay?"
2) "You guys are the only friends I have la.."
Phoebe -
1) "You know me right grandpa..."
2) (Latest addition) COME ON LA! i'm PHOEBE!!
Sara -
1) "You know something, every morning I wake up I can see the photo of all you monkeys, makes me feel better instead of stoning"
2) "I love you guys"
Ash -
1) "Fuck, I have a boner..." *runs to the toilet with a pillow in front of his cock in PD*
2) "I like the waaay you move"
Shaz -
1) My BB gun was useless
2) "In this group if i had to choose, i would have sex with @#c$"
Jill -
1) You bloody indian, put it down before I kick you in the balls.
2) "Prada, do you realise all the way I was only supporting you?"
In my head, I keep asking myself, why is it all falling apart, all this while I thought I was a good friend, I thought that I did my part, I would never have guessed that I could be cast aside so easily. But now I am thinking that it is probably my fault. I should have been a better friend. But here's the hard part, I can't be a better friend then I am now and if you cannot accept me as who I am, I tearfully would like to tell you that I am not good enough for you. This is nothing to do with the whole 'accept your friends for who they are.' no it isn't, this is because i want to do everything i can in my power to make my friends feel special, and if after all my effort, this is the result, i have failed, i am a miserable excuse for a person and a friend. I used to be a very straightforward person, the reason for that was because I was never really close to any other people. The more I came closer to this group of people, i had crossed a line i had never crossed before, the more I told lies, white lies it may have been but i cared too much for what they thought about themselves as well as what they thought about me. But now on the edge of everything, on the edge of losing everything that we had worked for in the past 2 and a half years, let me tell you something, let me apologize for what i have done. let me try to clear the air so that if i WERE to die tomorrow, i would die happy knowing that i was forgiven by my best friends...yes..best friends, a term which we are so scared to use to acknowledge each other, but i dare use it because it is the truth.
Dice
I'm sorry for everything that I did wrong, I wish you would have told me what it was because until today, i am to stupid to figure it out myself. I know that I have lost you as one of my closest friends. I can tell that you do not look at me the same way you did a year back. It saddens me that I cannot be that friend that you want and that friend that you need. I'm sorry I couldn't be there when you had problems and I'm sorry I couldn't help you keep the group together. But I want you to know, I will keep trying to fulfil your requirements to be as good a friend as i can be to you because i know that I owe you so much and that you on the other hand owe me nothing. In
my mind, we will always be brothers, and that thought is what keeps me going.
Nick
Thank you for being there, thank you for being honest, thank you for keeping up with my problems, thank you for giving me advice when i needed it, thank you for waking me up when i needed it and thank you for providing solid rhythm for my solos (=P sorry couldn't help it) Sorry that I can't be there for your ups and downs and i'm sorry i can't return the favours that you have done for me. All i can tell you is that everything I have told you at anytime high or otherwise has been true and the reason for that is because I want you to know the whole picture and advice me accordingly. Sorry if i have done anything..anything at all to offend you or to make you feel less then what you actually are. You're awesome.
Kevin
A man of principle, a man so solid in his opinions and personality, finding another would be the most difficult task, I have had so many arguements with him but yet we come through them day in day out better friends then we were before them. Thank you for knowing me so well, thank you for being understanding (most of the time) and just to let you know, you're irreplaceable dude, and there is no substitute for you. You know what's the meaning of hardship and you understand the sacrifices we must make. In that way, thank you for understanding it with me. I would like to say sorry for insulting you for years, but I will not, because that is how strong a bond we have I can confidently say. Every argument I have with you sparks my mind awake and gets me ready for a fight and basically puts me in a mindset which is how I should actually be living my life. Thank you bro.
Lokey
You know how much I love you, you are a true gem Lokey. You are a great person, an awesome person the best kind of persona but you think so little of yourself. I admire how much you have changed in the past few months knowing that I could never make that kind of change. I admire the fact that you can speak your mind anytime but what I don't admire about you is your definition of growing up. Growing up does not mean moving on, growing up does not mean letting things go easily, nor does it mean fighting until we get it. Growing up does not mean knowing that everyone has an ego but never putting it aside is absolutely ok. There is a phrase, 'A person who ages gracefully is the most beautiful person ever' You are already there, don't spoil it for yourself. Growing up means, being the bigger person...all the time. Being noble might not be the best option for you but it really does mean something to people who mean the most to you. Another thing i know is that after reading this, you will fall into a pit of silence thinking what did i do? But that's exactly what i don't want to happen, you are FINE this is just what i feel like telling you, it's just something i need you to listen to, not to think about for months and months and getting awkward in front of me thinking that you've done something wrong or you're not acting matured enough, let me repeat myself, you're FINE, and we're all still growing up..let's not be adults yet..we can be matured, but let's not be adults...Thank you so much for everything, for hearing me out, for being so worried when i have that 'look' on my face, for showing me how much you cared all the time. I Love you..
Pinto
I knew you for so long, we shared the deepest and darkest things between us. But on that faithful day, you said that i said to be careful. After all this time, let me finally come clean on what actually happened. I said, 'be careful, she's just broken up...' and i remember clearly saying that, but when you "confronted" me in your own house and asked me, the only thought going through my mind was 'How can she think I would say something like that?' Yes, I'm a cock talker, but I will stake everything I have, everything I own, everything i am a part off to tell you, I am never a betrayer....The part that hurt THE most, was that you took the words of a person you had known for a month over mine. I don't blame you for that. But I just think that our friendship was too important for me to even think about giving it up. When the crack happened for the first time when you were with Amresh, if you remember clearly the talk we had in Sara's house, everyone felt like shit, but i alone had to endure the pain of starting the topic about you, i alone had to bear the knife in my heart that came from saying those words that made a friend cry. I want you to know, that i appreciated the thanks you said for me being there (in your blog..)that even in the confusion of it all, you still thanked me..but that's the person you are, you are beautiful and you think, but have you ever thought that maybe not everyone is out to get you? Do you know that i've been accused of taking your side all the time? I just want you to know, i'll always love you, and i accept the fact that you don't want to talk to me or see me because I cannot change that, but I still think that there is a friendship to salvage and i will keep trying with or without your consent.
Jo
You are one of my closest friends and companions. I have been honest with you all the way and one of the things I love most about you is how genuine you are. I love you so so much and I'd like to thank you for everything you've done for me, all the talks, all the drinks, all the sense, and showing me your world, because this is very new too me. Another I appreciate is the unique bond I have with both you and Vikram, I never thought I could be that close to the both of you where things are still fine. I'm so happy with everything. There is however one thing which I need you to understand and I know that I cannot tell you exactly what it is only because I am that scared of hurting you. But i need to tell you so you will understand. Do you remember that day after Planet Hollywood, when you said let's drive around KL, and i told you it's jammed la wei, it's horrible to drive in KL and you said, "Ask @#$% to drive la," I'm not going to say anything but i need you to look at that last sentence and think for yourself what I felt for @#$%...and i'm so sad to say that i never had the guts to tell you before but I like switching radio channels in the morning....i'm not saying we can't listen to Hitz FM, but sometimes other people like stuff too...I hope I have worded it so only you can understand. And I also need you to understand, that I love you so so much and as a friend I think I wouldn't be a very good one if i didn't tell you this. Please don't worry about it, please try not to let this note change who you are, the only reason i am telling you is because I know that that is not how you want to be. Thank you so much for everything. I Love you...
Phoebe
My dearest dearest grandaughter. We literally grew up together. You always knew what I was thinking and you were always honest with me even if you knew that it wasn't something I would like to hear, that quality in a friend is so amazing because you would tell me in such a way where i wouldn't even feel it. You know that i do things for a reason and that's what i just love about you. When you went missing, I felt the void but it didn't bug me because I knew that in your heart we were there and vice versa. The problems you are going through, I can only look from afar and comfort you for I will never know how to solve them try as I may. You are truly one of the bravest persons I have seen, and i'm sorry I cannot be a better friend and to lift you up when you are down is what i wish i could do for you. I admire how you can put all that aside and be yourself in our faces. That is truly an admirable trait and the more time i spend with you, the more I yearn to learn how to do that. Thank you for everything, even the day before yesterday =P I'm not worried about you at all =)
Sara
The one person I wished I could have talked to about this, but I can't because apparently we have a problem. I'm really sorry that I didn't even know that there was a problem. You were so guilty about leaving us and hanging out with Sam and Syafiq that you forgot that we were your friends too and in turn their friends. If you remember correctly, you were the first one to coin the term 'new friends' where we just called them friends. Every time you asked me what you should do, my answer was always the same, talk to them, talk to him, talk to her, and now, in the face of a problem with me (which again, i did not know about) you can't even talk to me about it?
After a year and a half, after seeing pet, jaja and marie gone, how can I not be scared that the same thing isn't happening (or already happened now) Is it a crime to have more then one group of friends? I never knew it was, why you took it so defensively is beyond me. Why you made the whole situation out proportions I don't know, why problems were not talked about I have no idea. Yes, i read your blog, you suck at confrontations right? But is one confrontation worth friendships built and maintained over such a long span of time? You know i've always loved you, you know that i've always cared for you, you know that i would do anything to make you feel better if you were feeling bad..but why is it so easy to put me aside? Have I done more bad things to you than good? Have I not done enough? Was I a horrible friend? I'm sorry I interfered with your arguements with other people, i'm sorry i told you what i thought, and maybe this is the payback? But everything I did, i did with your best interests at heart. You yourself told me about 2 months back, that Jill was pissed of with me because of what you told her we were doing, and then we worked things out, don't you realise that you had just spoiled my friendship with Jill? I'm just using that as an example. Don't you realise how powerful words can be Sara? How a sentence on a blog can be so piercing? You always talk about change, but seriously, it's you who has changed the most...If you have chosen to move on, there is nothing I can say that will pull you back, I learned that from one of the million talks we had in front of your house in my car. But I will say this, all the memories we've had, from the time Hengki left and you consoled me in PD right up until you told Jill while we were at The Apartment that I was too defensive (yes, i heard..) were memories for me, all amazing memories. And no matter what you choose I just want to tell you that I obviously still love you and pray that you rethink what you are doing and who you are throwing aside and for what reason. Tell me what I have done wrong, I have no face anymore, I will apologize for it...I will fall at your feet asking for your forgiveness because that is how much this relationship means to me. Lastly, remember one of our last conversations in my car in front of your house...Trust... it's not something that is just there or isn't...it is something that is developed by sharing and talking...i've always had it for you, i still do. I Love you (eventhough you don't love me anymore)
I am not happy. I wish I didn't post this in a blog, but you cannot imagine how desperate I was too let it out...everything..good and bad...For all of you whom i mentioned, please know this, I love you so so so so so so so so much and memories of pd, and pd and pd, and malacca, and laundry, and maison, and republic, and nick's house, and dice's house, and jo's house, and pinto's house, and sara's house and lokey's house and ruums, and mamak, and chinese shop, and rouche, and level 5,3a and 7, and 1u and pyramid and curve and inti and pwtc and sheraton subang and genting and everywhere else
there are monkey footprints. Nothing hurts me as much as this falling apart. Spending all that money in a week (refer to first line of post) is excruciatingly painful but that level of hurt doesn't even come near this. Memories flood me and there is nothing I can do about them. Now for the final truth I wish to say today......Do not underestimate the term 'friends'. I dare say, we are not monkeys, we are friends...the term monkeys cannot possibly bear the heavier meaning and responsibilities of being a friend. I will continue to call you my monkeys, but know this, you are first and foremost my friend.
I BEG that you don't take offence to anything I have said today, I am sorry If you felt that I should jump off a high cliff but as I wrote everything that I did, my face was wet...yes I am a cry baby..but lately the only thing I've been crying about is you guys. I also beg that if you want me to clarify anything I have written please call me...I will act exactly how i've been acting around you all this time, like nothing happened. If you want me to continue, then maintain your silences. Let us all pretend that nothing happened..we're just happy monkeys...If we want to make it like how it was in Malacca....then we're just going to have to do a little work and start accepting what everyone says straight to our faces (me definitely included- i am expecting a list of how horrible a person I really am from all of you, and i will gladly accept and try to change to be a better friend, because i know now that i'm a horrible one)
Last note, I love you..i never throw that phrase around.,..please be the people I once knew...the monkeys..
A photo i wouldn't mind putting up on my house's wall
