Thursday, September 24, 2009

Neutrality

Aiyaiyai...everytime I blog it's about some problem i'm facing or other..getting sick of it la..plus my dearest readers will probably think of switching to Archie comics. However, sorry to disappoint la...Nothing's changed..but the nature of my problem has changed slightly..usually right it's something damn psychological..Usually it's not even a problem until i've taken it, processed it, found factors from all parts of the world, throw them into this big bowl and stir until i've got enough drama.. but today, it's really simple. I am out of cash.

Just for clarification purposes...my darling friends... PLEASE don't misunderstand me when I say that I don't wanna come out. I know it's just for a drink..but me being the light smoker that I am will end up buying box after box and that's actually the main purpose of me not coming out.. I really miss you guys and wish that I could go clubbing, play poker, go yum char all the way in sri petaling, kota kemuning, klang and puchong, but right now...even Bacon™ is giving me problems..I really don't know how to settle it. I'm depressed for no concrete reason but I want to get over it la. I know if I don't hold on to my friends, they will just slip away..The sad fact remains...they can survive without me...but I can't survive without them. Never for one second think that I would rather go sit down in ENS then come out with you guys...I know that in ENS i will sit for awhile and then force myself to go home..I've never been this broke before...Somehow or other...i've always had cash before this. Something like only happened once back in Semester 1 of diploma and only Dice knew about it.

Heh Just now Jo~ sent me a hug on FB (hehehe traitor) i sent you back a panda huggy =P. thanks wei..it put a smile on my face. I'm sorry that I couldn't hug you guys in real life as often as I used to.

Let me get my act together..let me get stable again..let my thigh heal a little..let me finish bitching here without judgement and last but not least.. let me get my life in order, hopefully after that, I can once again be the best friend I can possibly be to you guys..you know who you are.

P.S To my dearest September Babies... I never put up a post about their birthdays =) My fave Cheryls in the whole wide world. HAPPY 21st HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY! My My, you're getting old *cough*. I love you two loads! I hope you had great parties, I know I had fun. Before parting, just one last message, even when you hate my guts and try to lose me as a friend, you couldn't =) I hope to always be there when you need me yeah! Go nuts trying to get rid of me..i'm quite rubbery...I'll always bounce back. MWAAH CHERYLS!!

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Fletcher scored 2 bitches...

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Dissolving Essence

Did you have a like which now turned into a dislike..What you once did freely...what you once said openly..what you once saw clearly all have blocks. There seem to be intereferences wherever you may go. I always thought that one thing that people could not take away from me was my opinion. But apparently, even that has changed...not because people have become more fucked which is where you probably thought this was going. But what I actually wanted to say is that..I really don't think that my opinion is the solid, concrete and trustable object that i once thought it too be.

There was a time where I could make a decision as to how to move forward. Unfortunately for me, that time seems to be questioned time and time again. The worst part about this is; i'm the one questioning it. I want to be better..I want to take the correct steps forward..But how? Am I really not as competent as I thought I was? Or was my view of myself simply THE most arrogant a man can be. I don't want to give advice. I don't want to steer my friends wrong. I don't trust myself enough to allow them to put their problems on my lap.

There is so much that I really want to type..but i think i'm going to have to accept the fact that whatever said and done..this IS a blog..not a diary I keep under lock and key under my bed (not that I do la..) Yesterday, I met a guy in ENS(a mamak near my house)...in the afternoon...who just graduated....who is my age...and who just decided to get a part-time job as opposed to a full-time one. I don't know la..there's just too many coincedences for me here. The reason being..i'm usually sleeping in the afternoon, and this guy is everything that I see myself being on a bad day. I realised something. I found myself giving him advice freely because I could see so much of myself in him. And the best part, was I also realised that since I wasn't that close with him, I didn't mind giving him the advice regardless if it was good or bad. But for my friends, I would think twice incase my advice was actually bad. I don't know what i'm actually trying to say but one thing I learnt from House MD.....When you have a personal connection with someone...it blinds certain views..it clouds your judgement and leaves you second-guessing yourself...


Maybe...it's time to stop it....

Friday, July 3, 2009

On a lighter note..

Tomorrow, I'll be seeing ALL my dear friends (hopefully they all make it though =( ) I've missed them so so much. But first, something about an incident.

*-*

Day before yesterday right, I was sitting in Istilah, this small little half portugese half chinese girl called me up. The conversation went something like this la..

SLHPHCG (for acronym refer, to above paragraph) and PCG

SLHPHCG: HELLO!! Where you!?

PCG: In Istilah wei, you? just finished work?

SLHPHCG: Yeah, on the way back..how you feeling?

PCG: (I slipped into some dramatic paragraph about how pathetically sick I was which she was too used too to care about, So i will not elaborate about that)

SLHPHCG: Ok ok...you just wait there, I coming now!

PCG: Oh, why ar?

SLHPHCG: I haven't given you a birthday hug! just wait there..

Sweetest thing ever..thanks so much SLHPHCG..love you loads wei..


*-*


Alright, I really miss all of them...really want you guys to have an amazing time tomorrow..It doesn't have to be like LAST time...now is the present..let's focus on that shall we =) we have a whole future to argue, fight, punch, kick, pinch and eye gouge each other..I really want to see you guys having fun and letting loose.. Thanks so much for the last 5 years of my life..

Blogging is supposed to be therapeutic...

Dear long neglected blog,

I'm all muddled up..recently, one of my friends said that i'm one of the most understanding guys that he knows..he said that every time, some one makes a mistake, i will think twice or thrice before even thinking again about losing my temper. Obviously, in the pursuit of modesty which I hate in everyone else except myself (shoot me, i want everyone to know how amazing they truly are) i denied it. But it got me thinking..Am i really understanding, does that make me a nice guy, or does that make it an excuse for them to be more understanding when it comes to MY mistakes. Saying that i'm not perfect is a huge overstatement...in fact, i'm obviously no where near perfect. Like everyone else (even those who say that they are happy with who they are), i'm still trying...

I've seen myself making so many mistakes, especially where friends are concerned..sometimes I think that i'm control of my own relationships..but the truth of the world is, we don't really control anything...he puts us down here, dangles tempting objects (lusts of the flesh, flashy cars, pieces of paper with numbers on it etc..etc..) and expects to see but not touch, and once we do touch, we're enveloped in a cloud of guilt, worry and jealousy because human beings don't know when enough is enough..but having never been there, what do I know.

I might not be as secure a person as I would like to be. But like i said, I would like to be...so let me be straight..I have flaws..you have flaws..but i'm going to put my flaws (not all...it would take too much time) for anyone who is anyone in the world to have a gander at. I exaggerate...I love exaggerating..not about things that matter...about stupid things that don't affect our lives...but I do..but to use that as a reason to sideline me and isolate me...well... maybe it's just me, but I wouldn't ever do that. The thing is this...unknown to a certain someone..who used to be a close friend, I have had his back...I have always had his back...i've had his back to the extent that he didn't even know that I had his back..to further understand this, think..others bitching and me denying allegations and supporting him. The sad part is...i'm still going to have his back...and he can make up whatever stories he wants about me..actually no...not make up...he can take things that i actually do...put it out of context..and inform people who are close to me about it..making me look like a total loser. So what it comes down to is this...you can keep trying to embarass me in front of my own friends, you can keep trying to keep me away from my friend, you can keep trying to tell people what a "prick in the pussy" I am, you can keep pretending to be real around me, and last but not least..you can boil in your self built loathing of me all you want..but just for your information man..I got your back..just like I always have for the time I've known you.

Both, you and me know that whatever problems we had AGES ago..were long settled..if you want to bring them back up, i've got no choice but to just pretend that nothing's happening because the fact is, i am so sad that i was wrong. So sad that I was wrong to think that you were mature. For you to be silently glorying that you think i'm not on good terms with my other friends is just funny...cause..i know them, even if they stop liking me, it won't stop me from liking them. (Lots of love, monkeys..)

Ok..so once again..my flaw..that pisses everyone off I guess, but then again, I guess NO ONE else exaggerates so that's just me..(that was sarcasm btw...erm..just for you guys who didn't get it). But if that is my flaw that must mean that I have no good points at all. Don't know whether it's just me or do human beings really do focus alot more on bad points rather than good. Never mind..direct your drama as and how you want too..Fill a pit with sulphur and brimstone, make an effigy of me and dunk it in...watch it burn and laugh...all because I exaggerate about things that don't matter...it's cool..it doesn't matter that behind your back...i've supported every move you made and was outspoken about...HE WOULD NEVER CHEAT...that's what I said..without even knowing whether it was true or not..hmm..maybe putting my effigy burnt ass on the line for you isn't worth it anymore..but then again..nah..i still respect myself enough to not stoop down to a lower level. (disclaimer: NOT SAYING THAT I'M AT A HIGHER LEVEL!!) Lots of love..and yeah...it worked....blogging is therapeutic.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Putting thoughts down to words...not easy

Sitting in Asia now..12 midnight...finished up 2 bottles of soujour..or however you spell it. I'm sick of saying I miss this person and that person plus all the other drama. From now on right, we just live life. Whatever happens, I just going to live my life how I want too. Actually all this while I have been living my life as to what I thought was right, but lately, i've been bending my own rules because some people have been affecting me in a way which i DON'T think I should be affected.

A long time ago la..there was this artist from China. He was an expert at what he did and people from all over the land knew about him and knew his name (without proper media mind you..this was like 1 thousand years ago) So...ANYWAY, one day the emperor called him up and said, You...I want a painting worthy of my royal status. The artist said, " CAAAAAAAAAAAAN...I tell you what Boss..you come see me in 1 year, I'll have it ready." So the emperor said alright yo..gotcha. So they both went into a room where the emperor proceeded to explain in EXTREME detail about the painting to the artist. For example, the grass in the bottom left of the painting should be blowing in this certain direction and the waterfall in the background should be flowing to the east, the sun has to be on the top right of the painting, there are brownish black birds flying in the top left of the picture and so on and so forth. So you get the idea how detailed what the emperor wanted was. The artist nodded his head and left the palace.

After a year of agitated anxiety, the emperor along with half his army marched to the artist's house to see the painting. When they arrived, the artist welcomed him inside the house with open arms. He told him to wait for awhile. The artist dragged out this HUGE piece of blank parchment paper and proceeded to draw and paint exactly what the emperor asked of him a year back. Within five minutes, he was done. He held his hand out and said, that will be 1 million dong (or whatever their currency at their time was) The king was naturally PISSED off..the emperor said, " OI, pundek! why you ask me to wait one year then you finish it in 5 minutes somemore you asking 1 million dongs..you cibai you..." and so the conversation went. The artist replied, " For one whole year, I was looking for a real location where the waterfall, mountains, grass and birds existed....I also searched for the specific species of bird which you specified, I waited for the right time of the month where the sun would be on the top right and also waited for the right second where the birds were at the top left and at the same time, the grass was blowing in the direction you intended it too.. While I was searching and waiting, I painted this picture in my head. Now you pay me my dongs bad boy..because I do your work already you mahai.. So the emperor paid up and left with a stupid smile on his face.

The story..meaningful as it is..symbolizes how I think about alot of things...How we work on our everyday relationships, be it friends, parents, siblings, potential lovers, people you have a crush on, boyfriends and girlfriends....they all matter..But what I will talk about is friends...We have worked so hard..built such a strong foundation..Beleive you me, I know that I am so close to my friends that they don't even have to physically acknowledge me (a hug or a hell) anymore...we're that close..but lately, I don't even have that...that ignoring...it makes me feel like shit when I have to see my friend being treated like a dog...it also makes me feel like shit..when one friend of mine can make another friend of mine feel like shit..It's like..there was no point to all the work we did before...all the research WE did on the way the wind blows the grass, all the time we spent waiting for the sun to be on the right side of the picture and the birds to be on the left..all are just meaningless...I feel like I am in the middle of a divorce which I didn't want to have in the first place and it sucks..all i can say...give me back my dongs...job not worth it...I want to go home with a stupid smile on my face as well..but the painting is more important..just like how each and every one of our friendships are that valuable. But it sucks when no one realises it..Wake up la..if this has affected you in a weird way..i'm sorry..but you know la..i'm weird....but i still want my painting..

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Trial and Error

How to deal with this? I want everything to be back to normal..I miss my friends..Sorry for saying something I should have kept inside, but still, you know as well as I do that I wouldn't have said it unless I had really thought about it..What's done is done, i'll try my best to move on..But I really do miss you...If only words could mean as much as I do..Good night to today, hello a bright sun shining morning..

Monday, November 24, 2008

Sorrow

I lost RM250.00 today...i kept it somewhere in my room and after the computer guy who fixes my computer came over, it suddenly went missing..

I had to pay the mechanic guy RM450.00 to fix Bacon up nicely and properly

I had to pay the same guy RM280.00 to fix up Lakshmi's alarm system

My bank account is down by RM1000.00 because of this multi effects pedal i bought for another bacon

It hurts oh my god it hurts but none of that multiplied by 10 comes even close to hurting me like how i'm hurting now. All the way from the time I was 15 i've made friends but when i was 17 i made a vow, nah..less dramatic please..i made a pact with myself because it felt right, my friends are my everything.

2000-2002
In school, i met people like Tze Xiong, Kee Chang, Hengki, Valen, Kim Seong, Fadzil, Ming Tat, Chin Cheng, Laney, Nisa, Ika, and Shabbi. We were close we did everything together. Then came d-day, we parted ways they left but after they left we didn't talk, we never even kept in touch. Be that as it may, when we had a reunion several years down the road it was exactly like old times, we were comfortable with the familiarity. it felt nice that we were friends who were that good. I moved on comfortably....

2003
I was in Taylor's SJ, I met so many people whom i love until today, we hung out, we cs'ed, we clubbed, we gambled, we drank we talked. I met Vinodh, Chuzuk, Nishant, Nishanth, Kane, Thambiya, Dushen, Suren, Charan, Vikki, Shih Yeen, Daphne, The twins, Justin, Jiqs, Alan, Subhs, Cheryl. These people made my days back in 2003 complete. Life was good, they were there for me, and vice versa as how a friendship always works...TWO WAY traffic, no one ever took anyone for granted and therefore there was never any conflict. By this time, I was under the impression that this was friendship perfect. Then came d-day, we parted ways, most of them went on, they graduated and went on to amazing things but several years down the road it was exactly like old times, we were comfortable with the familiarity. It felt nice that we were friends who were that good. I moved on comfortably....

2004
I was in Sunway College, I met so many people who became part of my life and will never be apart from it. We futsaled, we dota'ed, we hung out, we studied, we talked about the future, we teased our gay english lecturer, we talked about cars, we talked about how to survive with only RM4.00 in a day when we were all smokers, we went to Langkawi. Ching Siang, Kai Xiang, Kian Wee, Kian Hoong, Kiran, Zakiran, Zai, Imran, Navin and Chee Wan. In Sunway College, I had forgotten what it was to be a friend. I thought I had already found all the friends I possibly needed. For that 1 and a half years, I distanced myself from everyone but those few managed to break through the thick exterior of denial i had formed outside myself. Until today we talk, it doesn't seem like anything big that we're keeping in touch although we're all literally in different continents. The reason why it isn't anything big is because we know that each friendship needs a battle and if anyone of us were to let it just collapse, it would have been pointless. We understood that but as always, d-day came and once again..we parted ways, most of them went on, they graduated and went on to amazing things but several years down the road it was exactly like old times, we were comfortable with the familiarity. It felt nice that we were friends who were that good. I moved on comfortably....

2005
I found myself alone and cold in a suburb of Australia, fresh faces of my dearest friends imprinted in the back of my head helping me get through all lonely moments, weak moments that i had there for a whole year. I was all alone there, but I persevered, again fate led to me an amazing group of people to whom I am grateful for for letting me enter their lives. I met Chet, Kizard, Arwin, Reza, David, IP, Sin Kee, Jacq, Adrian, Anthony, Sneha, Jessica, Warwick, Aldi(s), Fadzil, Param, Daphne Goh, Ji, Andre, and Charmaine. These people played such a huge role in helping me be independent and to grow as a man. They taught me how to be a friend when you know you are alone. I followed their example and I learnt to love like I never had before that. But of course, d-day came and once again..we parted ways, most of them went on, they graduated and went on to amazing things but several years down the road it was exactly like old times, we were comfortable with the familiarity. It felt nice that we were friends who were that good. I moved on comfortably....

2006
I enrolled myself in Taylor's College Petaling Jaya. I was doing Mass Comm, my final calling, somehow from the start, I knew that this was where I belonged, but my mum although they never really demanded that i do medicine, preferred that option so I obliged until now. In TCPJ, I have met the weirdest people, the most amazing people, the only kind of people who have been able to piss me off, the people whom i knew i could trust my life with, people whom i loved all in all. I met Dice, I met Nick, I met Kevin, I met Cheryl Loke, I met Cheryl Pinto, I met JoAnne Alicia Clark, I met Phoebe Chandrasekaran (my grandaughter..not wife), I met Sara Mak, I met Ash, I met Shaz, and I met Jill. These wonderful, beautiful people made my life sparkle. It radiated...my life radiated..i don't even know how to describe that feeling it made me want to smile...WHILE i was smiling. We had been on so many journeys, we had so many talks, we've gotten through so many problems, we've lost so many, we've gained back and we've lost again, we gone up and down and up again in this roller coaster of a life.

Let me revert back to the start of this post...i talked about spending money and how much it hurt....nothing hurts as much as the fact that these people, these beautiful people whom i love to bits have fallen apart. This has nothing to do with change, change is easy to deal with, things change you deal with it and accept the fact that life goes on. But this is different, the people whom I grew to love now don't like me. I can go two ways, not like them back or the other way which is what i've chosen, to continue loving them regardless of their feelings towards them. When I look at any of them, memories rush back to me..Let me bore you a little with what comes to mind here and the quotes that run it out...

Dice -
1) I'm bringing sexay baack..yeaa
2) "Prada, let me just give myself another try, let me prove to myself that I can do it..."

Nick -
1) Dude! where your cowboy hat, come we jam in the hall, holy fuck tenacious D is good!
2) "I won't be going anywhere, don't worry."

Kevin -
1) "They don't know what we've been through la Prada..."
2) "You know me la dude...when you call me a $#@ it's ok but when they do, i get pissed off"

Lokey -
1) "I love you... why no one says it back to me wan?!" (carpark in 1u after movie carnival)
2) "I would fall off a chair again just to hear their laughter"

Pinto -
1) "I love you guys la, of course I want you to be there"
2) "How do you know Cream is fat now??!" (Syed)

Jo -
1) She jumped on the bed i was sleeping on in Malacca waking me up and said "Eh, now that you're awake, come we talk kay?"
2) "You guys are the only friends I have la.."

Phoebe -
1) "You know me right grandpa..."
2) (Latest addition) COME ON LA! i'm PHOEBE!!

Sara -
1) "You know something, every morning I wake up I can see the photo of all you monkeys, makes me feel better instead of stoning"
2) "I love you guys"

Ash -
1) "Fuck, I have a boner..." *runs to the toilet with a pillow in front of his cock in PD*
2) "I like the waaay you move"

Shaz -
1) My BB gun was useless
2) "In this group if i had to choose, i would have sex with @#c$"

Jill -
1) You bloody indian, put it down before I kick you in the balls.
2) "Prada, do you realise all the way I was only supporting you?"

In my head, I keep asking myself, why is it all falling apart, all this while I thought I was a good friend, I thought that I did my part, I would never have guessed that I could be cast aside so easily. But now I am thinking that it is probably my fault. I should have been a better friend. But here's the hard part, I can't be a better friend then I am now and if you cannot accept me as who I am, I tearfully would like to tell you that I am not good enough for you. This is nothing to do with the whole 'accept your friends for who they are.' no it isn't, this is because i want to do everything i can in my power to make my friends feel special, and if after all my effort, this is the result, i have failed, i am a miserable excuse for a person and a friend. I used to be a very straightforward person, the reason for that was because I was never really close to any other people. The more I came closer to this group of people, i had crossed a line i had never crossed before, the more I told lies, white lies it may have been but i cared too much for what they thought about themselves as well as what they thought about me. But now on the edge of everything, on the edge of losing everything that we had worked for in the past 2 and a half years, let me tell you something, let me apologize for what i have done. let me try to clear the air so that if i WERE to die tomorrow, i would die happy knowing that i was forgiven by my best friends...yes..best friends, a term which we are so scared to use to acknowledge each other, but i dare use it because it is the truth.

Dice
I'm sorry for everything that I did wrong, I wish you would have told me what it was because until today, i am to stupid to figure it out myself. I know that I have lost you as one of my closest friends. I can tell that you do not look at me the same way you did a year back. It saddens me that I cannot be that friend that you want and that friend that you need. I'm sorry I couldn't be there when you had problems and I'm sorry I couldn't help you keep the group together. But I want you to know, I will keep trying to fulfil your requirements to be as good a friend as i can be to you because i know that I owe you so much and that you on the other hand owe me nothing. In my mind, we will always be brothers, and that thought is what keeps me going.

Nick
Thank you for being there, thank you for being honest, thank you for keeping up with my problems, thank you for giving me advice when i needed it, thank you for waking me up when i needed it and thank you for providing solid rhythm for my solos (=P sorry couldn't help it) Sorry that I can't be there for your ups and downs and i'm sorry i can't return the favours that you have done for me. All i can tell you is that everything I have told you at anytime high or otherwise has been true and the reason for that is because I want you to know the whole picture and advice me accordingly. Sorry if i have done anything..anything at all to offend you or to make you feel less then what you actually are. You're awesome.

Kevin
A man of principle, a man so solid in his opinions and personality, finding another would be the most difficult task, I have had so many arguements with him but yet we come through them day in day out better friends then we were before them. Thank you for knowing me so well, thank you for being understanding (most of the time) and just to let you know, you're irreplaceable dude, and there is no substitute for you. You know what's the meaning of hardship and you understand the sacrifices we must make. In that way, thank you for understanding it with me. I would like to say sorry for insulting you for years, but I will not, because that is how strong a bond we have I can confidently say. Every argument I have with you sparks my mind awake and gets me ready for a fight and basically puts me in a mindset which is how I should actually be living my life. Thank you bro.

Lokey
You know how much I love you, you are a true gem Lokey. You are a great person, an awesome person the best kind of persona but you think so little of yourself. I admire how much you have changed in the past few months knowing that I could never make that kind of change. I admire the fact that you can speak your mind anytime but what I don't admire about you is your definition of growing up. Growing up does not mean moving on, growing up does not mean letting things go easily, nor does it mean fighting until we get it. Growing up does not mean knowing that everyone has an ego but never putting it aside is absolutely ok. There is a phrase, 'A person who ages gracefully is the most beautiful person ever' You are already there, don't spoil it for yourself. Growing up means, being the bigger person...all the time. Being noble might not be the best option for you but it really does mean something to people who mean the most to you. Another thing i know is that after reading this, you will fall into a pit of silence thinking what did i do? But that's exactly what i don't want to happen, you are FINE this is just what i feel like telling you, it's just something i need you to listen to, not to think about for months and months and getting awkward in front of me thinking that you've done something wrong or you're not acting matured enough, let me repeat myself, you're FINE, and we're all still growing up..let's not be adults yet..we can be matured, but let's not be adults...Thank you so much for everything, for hearing me out, for being so worried when i have that 'look' on my face, for showing me how much you cared all the time. I Love you..

Pinto
I knew you for so long, we shared the deepest and darkest things between us. But on that faithful day, you said that i said to be careful. After all this time, let me finally come clean on what actually happened. I said, 'be careful, she's just broken up...' and i remember clearly saying that, but when you "confronted" me in your own house and asked me, the only thought going through my mind was 'How can she think I would say something like that?' Yes, I'm a cock talker, but I will stake everything I have, everything I own, everything i am a part off to tell you, I am never a betrayer....The part that hurt THE most, was that you took the words of a person you had known for a month over mine. I don't blame you for that. But I just think that our friendship was too important for me to even think about giving it up. When the crack happened for the first time when you were with Amresh, if you remember clearly the talk we had in Sara's house, everyone felt like shit, but i alone had to endure the pain of starting the topic about you, i alone had to bear the knife in my heart that came from saying those words that made a friend cry. I want you to know, that i appreciated the thanks you said for me being there (in your blog..)that even in the confusion of it all, you still thanked me..but that's the person you are, you are beautiful and you think, but have you ever thought that maybe not everyone is out to get you? Do you know that i've been accused of taking your side all the time? I just want you to know, i'll always love you, and i accept the fact that you don't want to talk to me or see me because I cannot change that, but I still think that there is a friendship to salvage and i will keep trying with or without your consent.

Jo
You are one of my closest friends and companions. I have been honest with you all the way and one of the things I love most about you is how genuine you are. I love you so so much and I'd like to thank you for everything you've done for me, all the talks, all the drinks, all the sense, and showing me your world, because this is very new too me. Another I appreciate is the unique bond I have with both you and Vikram, I never thought I could be that close to the both of you where things are still fine. I'm so happy with everything. There is however one thing which I need you to understand and I know that I cannot tell you exactly what it is only because I am that scared of hurting you. But i need to tell you so you will understand. Do you remember that day after Planet Hollywood, when you said let's drive around KL, and i told you it's jammed la wei, it's horrible to drive in KL and you said, "Ask @#$% to drive la," I'm not going to say anything but i need you to look at that last sentence and think for yourself what I felt for @#$%...and i'm so sad to say that i never had the guts to tell you before but I like switching radio channels in the morning....i'm not saying we can't listen to Hitz FM, but sometimes other people like stuff too...I hope I have worded it so only you can understand. And I also need you to understand, that I love you so so much and as a friend I think I wouldn't be a very good one if i didn't tell you this. Please don't worry about it, please try not to let this note change who you are, the only reason i am telling you is because I know that that is not how you want to be. Thank you so much for everything. I Love you...

Phoebe
My dearest dearest grandaughter. We literally grew up together. You always knew what I was thinking and you were always honest with me even if you knew that it wasn't something I would like to hear, that quality in a friend is so amazing because you would tell me in such a way where i wouldn't even feel it. You know that i do things for a reason and that's what i just love about you. When you went missing, I felt the void but it didn't bug me because I knew that in your heart we were there and vice versa. The problems you are going through, I can only look from afar and comfort you for I will never know how to solve them try as I may. You are truly one of the bravest persons I have seen, and i'm sorry I cannot be a better friend and to lift you up when you are down is what i wish i could do for you. I admire how you can put all that aside and be yourself in our faces. That is truly an admirable trait and the more time i spend with you, the more I yearn to learn how to do that. Thank you for everything, even the day before yesterday =P I'm not worried about you at all =)

Sara
The one person I wished I could have talked to about this, but I can't because apparently we have a problem. I'm really sorry that I didn't even know that there was a problem. You were so guilty about leaving us and hanging out with Sam and Syafiq that you forgot that we were your friends too and in turn their friends. If you remember correctly, you were the first one to coin the term 'new friends' where we just called them friends. Every time you asked me what you should do, my answer was always the same, talk to them, talk to him, talk to her, and now, in the face of a problem with me (which again, i did not know about) you can't even talk to me about it?
After a year and a half, after seeing pet, jaja and marie gone, how can I not be scared that the same thing isn't happening (or already happened now) Is it a crime to have more then one group of friends? I never knew it was, why you took it so defensively is beyond me. Why you made the whole situation out proportions I don't know, why problems were not talked about I have no idea. Yes, i read your blog, you suck at confrontations right? But is one confrontation worth friendships built and maintained over such a long span of time? You know i've always loved you, you know that i've always cared for you, you know that i would do anything to make you feel better if you were feeling bad..but why is it so easy to put me aside? Have I done more bad things to you than good? Have I not done enough? Was I a horrible friend? I'm sorry I interfered with your arguements with other people, i'm sorry i told you what i thought, and maybe this is the payback? But everything I did, i did with your best interests at heart. You yourself told me about 2 months back, that Jill was pissed of with me because of what you told her we were doing, and then we worked things out, don't you realise that you had just spoiled my friendship with Jill? I'm just using that as an example. Don't you realise how powerful words can be Sara? How a sentence on a blog can be so piercing? You always talk about change, but seriously, it's you who has changed the most...If you have chosen to move on, there is nothing I can say that will pull you back, I learned that from one of the million talks we had in front of your house in my car. But I will say this, all the memories we've had, from the time Hengki left and you consoled me in PD right up until you told Jill while we were at The Apartment that I was too defensive (yes, i heard..) were memories for me, all amazing memories. And no matter what you choose I just want to tell you that I obviously still love you and pray that you rethink what you are doing and who you are throwing aside and for what reason. Tell me what I have done wrong, I have no face anymore, I will apologize for it...I will fall at your feet asking for your forgiveness because that is how much this relationship means to me. Lastly, remember one of our last conversations in my car in front of your house...Trust... it's not something that is just there or isn't...it is something that is developed by sharing and talking...i've always had it for you, i still do. I Love you (eventhough you don't love me anymore)


I am not happy. I wish I didn't post this in a blog, but you cannot imagine how desperate I was too let it out...everything..good and bad...For all of you whom i mentioned, please know this, I love you so so so so so so so so much and memories of pd, and pd and pd, and malacca, and laundry, and maison, and republic, and nick's house, and dice's house, and jo's house, and pinto's house, and sara's house and lokey's house and ruums, and mamak, and chinese shop, and rouche, and level 5,3a and 7, and 1u and pyramid and curve and inti and pwtc and sheraton subang and genting and everywhere else there are monkey footprints. Nothing hurts me as much as this falling apart. Spending all that money in a week (refer to first line of post) is excruciatingly painful but that level of hurt doesn't even come near this. Memories flood me and there is nothing I can do about them. Now for the final truth I wish to say today......Do not underestimate the term 'friends'. I dare say, we are not monkeys, we are friends...the term monkeys cannot possibly bear the heavier meaning and responsibilities of being a friend. I will continue to call you my monkeys, but know this, you are first and foremost my friend.

I BEG that you don't take offence to anything I have said today, I am sorry If you felt that I should jump off a high cliff but as I wrote everything that I did, my face was wet...yes I am a cry baby..but lately the only thing I've been crying about is you guys. I also beg that if you want me to clarify anything I have written please call me...I will act exactly how i've been acting around you all this time, like nothing happened. If you want me to continue, then maintain your silences. Let us all pretend that nothing happened..we're just happy monkeys...If we want to make it like how it was in Malacca....then we're just going to have to do a little work and start accepting what everyone says straight to our faces (me definitely included- i am expecting a list of how horrible a person I really am from all of you, and i will gladly accept and try to change to be a better friend, because i know now that i'm a horrible one)

Last note, I love you..i never throw that phrase around.,..please be the people I once knew...the monkeys..


A photo i wouldn't mind putting up on my house's wall

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Post Removed Due to excessive profanity and bitterness. Rights reserved by sole distributor of pettiness, Pradeep Chandrasekaran

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Not for awhile

I'm really sorry guys but for the moment, i'm stopping all blog activity on this website. It'll still be here, feel free to use the cbox, i promise i'll check often, but you know what they say, the more you live, the more you learn and i've learned that the things I want to write about aren't what people want to read about. So I'm going to spare all of my faithful readers the boredom and stop right now.